Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Life with two

We are almost two months in to this whole life with two kids thing and I am just now getting around to writing about it.  This is definitely a crazy, crazy season of life and I don't want to forget about this time.  I am sure one day I will look back on this and laugh at how I thought these were the hard times, but boy it sure does seem that way many days.

The whole time I was pregnant I could not wait to meet Jolie, I could not wait to hold 
my newborn and snuggle, I could not wait to give Brynn a sister.  But...all the while I was extremely nervous.  We had a pretty good thing going over here.  Brynn was two...becoming more independent each day.  We had our little daily routine....and life was easy. Life was good.  We slept...we slept every night.  I had a good break every afternoon while Brynn napped for three hours.  The day consisted of me and Brynn just going about the day...playing dolls, tea party...doing school time, play dates.  You know just two girls having fun day in and day out.  In the back of my mind I was very nervous about the craziness of two kids.  The craziness it would bring to our house, and how I was going to manage taking care of a newborn that constantly needed my attention and a toddler that was used to her being the center of my whole day.  What would I do when Brynn needed me and Jolie needed me at the same time?

Fast forward seven weeks and I really don't have the answers to those questions still.  It is crazy.  Crazier than I even imagined.  Upon coming home Jolie slept all day, and that made it easier than it is now. But then, Brynn went through a little jealous period.  She has never showed any jealousy toward her sister, and is only anything but the sweetest ever towards her.  Thank God.  But, towards me, different story.  It was as if she was mad at me, she wouldn't talk to me, she was defiant, she was sassy, she was causing trouble on purpose.  This really took a toll on me.  All I could do was cry about what had happened to my sweet little girl?  I tried to remind myself that this was a big transition in her life, a big adjustment period and this was all normal....and like with all things, was just a phase.  It would pass.  And it did, after about two week of pure chaos.  I am happy to say that she is back to her normal happy sweet self, and I could not be happier about that.

At the same time that this new adjustment was happening, Brynn has decided that she wants to use the potty and no more diapers for her.  It really isn't the ideal time but I knew I had to take her lead.  That has been pretty chaotic.  It pretty much seems like anytime I am feeding Jolie, or Jolie is crying is when Brynn needs to potty.  Off I go, holding a newborn in one arm and trying to pull Brynn's pants and undies down, and pick her up to sit her on the potty with the other arm.   It's in those moments that the struggle is real.

7 weeks into this whole life with two kids and most days still feel like a whirlwind.  I find myself at the end of the day wondering how I made it through the day.  And each day we survive, I consider it a victory.  We spend many days in pajamas...and the tv is on way more than I would like, but I keep telling myself it will get easier.

I am trying to remind myself daily that these newborn days are gone so quickly, and pretty soon I will be looking back at all these pictures of this squishy newborn on my camera roll, crying and wondering how the time went by so quickly.  I am trying to just soak in the cuddles, and let the mess sit there.  THAT is hard for me, but I am trying.  I am trying to make every moment count with Brynn and fit in as much one on one time as possible.  It isn't always for very long, but I know it means the world to her when we get a little time do a craft or puzzle.  I know my feelings of sadness over feeling like I am not enough for her right now are only in my head, but its hard not to feel guilty about having to say "in a minute" or "after I am done feeding your sister" a million times a day.  

But at the end of the day, we always survive.  Though the day may seem super chaotic....somehow we survive.  Nighttime always comes, and the end of the day snuggles spent on the couch with my two girls remind me what its all about.  The days are long, but the years are short.  And, that is the truth!  I know we will find our groove and some sort of routine in time, but for now I am choosing to embrace the chaos with these two girls of mine.

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